Hemning Sternberg (moonshadow) wrote,
Hemning Sternberg

A Grinch Manifesto

There are still some of you who are unaware, and we're sorry, but while we will try to break the news gently, break it we must. Not everyone likes Christmas. In fact, many of us just hate it. We can no longer sit by quietly while annual lunacy overtakes our nation. We are not saying "don't celebrate Christmas," just that you should do it in private, wash your hands afterwards, and LEAVE US OUT OF IT!

The time has come to demand our freedoms!

Freedom from inappropriate inquiries into our morality, eg, "Have you been naughty or nice this year?" Does that question really make sense for those who are over ten? And what business is it of yours anyway?
Freedom from Christmas sweaters. Grown adults wear things at this time of year that they would never dream of considering at other times. A sweater with a appliqued reindeer on it and the nose really glows? Are you joking?
Freedom from the Christmas Top Forty. Why are there only forty Christmas songs, that get sung over and over and over with great seriousness by nearly every artist in the English-speaking world? I think this explains why Feliz Navidad was such a hit when it first came out - everyone was relieved to finally hear something different for a change.
Freedom from fruitcake. Who actually eats fruitcake? Who thought that was a good idea? How can we be sure that there are more than five fruitcakes in the world? (Thanks to tsuj for this contribution.)
Freedom from waiting in line for more than an hour to buy a jug of milk and a box of cereal. I wish there were stores for people who don't celebrate Christmas. You show a membership card, you solemnly swear that nothing you buy will be given as a present or used for a party, and you get the express lane.
Freedom from being trampled to death while in pursuit of discounts. I love a bargain as much as the next girl, but this Midnight Madness really is, well, mad.
Freedom from continuous and unwarranted bell-ringing. They sound in my dreams. Horrible horrible dreams.
Freedom from the assumption that everyone both has and gets along with biological family. Maybe the next time someone asks me if I'm going "home for the holidays," I'll say, "Yes, I have a very nice apartment and I wasn't planning on staying at the office while it's closed."
Freedom from inflatable lawn decorations. My favorite so far this year is an inflatable reindeer stable. trouble4hire suggested we should sneak over there and cross out "stable" and write in "harem" and put wigs and lipstick on all the reindeer.
Freedom from the assumption that everyone celebrates Christmas. Despite the fact that Beltane is my favorite holiday, I do not go around on May second asking everyone if they had sex outdoors or overthrew a government the previous day "in the spirit of the season." Please extend me the same courtesy.
Freedom from obligatory fun, which generally isn't. When's the last time you genuinely had a good time at a company Christmas party? Or saw anyone else do so that wasn't extremely drunk?
Freedom from obligatory happiness, which almost never is. "Cheer up, it's almost Christmas?" Is that the best you can do? Why do you think I was glaring in the first place?
Freedom from undesired holiday reunions. Your mouth is saying, "It's so nice to see you, Aunt Em!" and your heart is saying, "If I don't get some spiked eggnog in the next half hour I will simply lose my mind. How can I be related to these people?"
Freedom from the self-righteous idea that you only need to be charitable and compassionate for one day of the year. Yes, it's lovely that you go to the homeless shelter on Christmas Day. How do you help out the other 364?

Who's with me?

ETA: Gosh wow. This post was merely intended to blow off steam in what I find a very stressful time of year. I am happy for those of you that enjoy Christmas, and I hope you have a lovely time. I'm sure my life would be less complicated if I liked it too. I am... a bit mind boggled that some of you think I would vandalize someone's lawn rather than just consider the idea and grin for a minute. I didn't shoot out speakers playing Christmas music at the mall a la Hothead Paisan last year either, though as I recall I posted about that idea as well. Lighten up, folks.
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